DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
