we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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