"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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