When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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