It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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