I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
