dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
cat food counts as protein by the way
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I can't turn off my feet"
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
