Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
