What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
