I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
