I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
there's paper in my vomit.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
