listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Acid is not a monday night drug
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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