I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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