Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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