when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
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