I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
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After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
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If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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