I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
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When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
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I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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