I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Randomize
