i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
It's blow job season.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
