Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
