Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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