Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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