You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
He felt like a one man threesome
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
