I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
