I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
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It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
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Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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