why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
