Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
