I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
