Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
