wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
