After last night, I could never be a politician.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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