Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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