I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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