she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
