good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
