My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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