how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just found puke in my bra..
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
