she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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