they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
