Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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