I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
