how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
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i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
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I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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