No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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