life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
