this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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