I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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