I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
