In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Randomize
