the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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