Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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