so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
She needs sedatives and a leash
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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