I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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