I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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