I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
